3 Years.

It’s been 3 years since I posted anything on here.

Granted 3 years ago I only posted 2 things. I am not really known for my follow through on new projects.

I reread my 2 (what I thought back then were groundbreaking) posts and I found so much insecurity and so much effort. A lot of it I am cringing over and as I hovered my curser over the delete button I thought about how easy it is to delete a past truth or a past way of being. But I think I want it to stay there. Change and growth are part of the human experience and what I have found in the past 3 years is that I am so extremely human. Back then I was trying to be some sort of perfection full of nothing but “love and light” (yikes). I still have my connection to my spirituality but I definitely do not feel the need for others to see it like I did back then. I do not need to be perceived in any certain kind of way, although I may still feel that pull to put out a particular polished version of myself I now know that feeling is born in insecurity.

I am tired. Sometimes I am bright. Sometimes I am trash. (Honestly I prefer being trash to being a fake shiny spurt). I have more trauma than I did 3 years ago. I understand the world less. I understand myself more, but I also understand myself less. I still like to ramble. I cry more. A lot more. I disassociate more. I love more sincerely. I appreciate deeper. I have been defeated and beaten down. I am more accepting.

Human and alive and making it by.

I don’t exactly know what I will post here or if I will even post anything but I felt it important to post at least once more. I do know that writing has always helped bring me out of dark spaces and I am an artist which means I crave for people to witness what I have created (I think deep down all artists are attention whores wether they are closeted or not).

If Wendy 3 years from now is reading this I would like her to know that I don’t hate everything that Wendy from 3 years ago wrote. She was kind of smart sometimes…and hopefully 3 years from now I don’t sound like a complete cringy idiot.

That’s all.